god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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