we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
time to smoke my breakfast
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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