I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
is that a dick in a sweater?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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