You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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