Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
