I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
