Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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