Kiss
Puke
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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