The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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