I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
