woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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