So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
