Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
