I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
