I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
