You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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