Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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