I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
