so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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