Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Randomize
