Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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