Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
