I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Someone came in the potted fern
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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