Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
