Got a toothbrush?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
