put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
