Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
