guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
