I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
