i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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