I'm eating all of the evidence.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
