do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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