Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
