I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
