chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
