You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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