I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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