Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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