haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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