There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
