He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
