You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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