had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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