I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
