I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
