the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
