I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
