then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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