And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
