I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
