is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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