My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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