Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We have so much sex to catch up on
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
