I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
