i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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